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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike'.





Lorena Bobbit Virus:

Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus:

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus:

Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.





What to say to phone solicitors who call to sell you credit cards, vacation packages, etc.:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later? What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number...





The Rev. Ian Paisley was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight to Ireland. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The Rev. Paisley replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips'

The President handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice....."







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