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A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, 'All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.'

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, 'And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!'

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, 'I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!'





St Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir." "Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?"





My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"





Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." Man: "What's the charge officer?" Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.





I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.







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