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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

'This', he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it'.

At which Clever Johnny stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. 'Where is my father'? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words 'Fishing off Florida'.

Clever Johnny laughed. 'Actually', he said, 'my father is dead'! It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Johnny thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, 'Where is my mother's husband'?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'





Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."





A farmer has a horse for sale, so puts a notice up at the General Store in the village. Well, the next day comes, and a dwarf wanders up the drive and says "Hwello, I cwame about the horwse"

The farmer is pretty keen to sell, so out they go to the paddock to inspect the horse. The dwarf looks at the farmer and says "If its not too mwuch twouble, could I please see the horwses eyes."

So the farmer picks up the dwarf, lifts him so that he can take a good long look at the horses eyes, and then sets him down.

'Oooohh, verwy nice eyes. Now could I please see the horwses ears"

So the farmer, now a little annoyed, picks up the dwarf, lifts him so that he can take a good long look at the horses ears, and then sets him down.

'Oooohh, verwy nice ears. Now could I please see the horwses mouth"So the farmer, now starting to get pretty pissed at lifting the dwarf, picks up the dwarf, lifts him so that he can take a good long look at the horses mouth, and then sets him down.

'Oooohh, a verwy nice mouth. Now could I please see the horwses twat"

That's it thinks the farmer. He grabs the dwarf by the throat, jams the dwarfs' head up the horses twat, spins him around a few times and drops him with a wet thud on the ground.

There's a bit of a silence as the dwarf gets to his feet and wipes the mucus of his face. Finally, the dwarf says

'Ummm. Perwaps I should rephwase the question. Could I please see the horwse gallop?'







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